Intimacy in Marriage - Week 11

In addressing sexual intimacy, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I feel like this topic is something that most of the time is an uncomfortable topic to discuss.  This is a sacred topic that is usually addressed to the youth in terms of “do’s and don’ts”.   Many warnings and examples are given to youth so they can avoid a bad situation.  However, not much is really said about intimacy after wedding vows have been made.   This is not a good idea.  All youth, young men and young women need to be educated in the sanctity and importance of sexual relations after marriage. 

In marriages, sexual intimacy is not only to multiply and replenish the earth, it is to bring oneness and joy to the marriage.  Couples know how to talk about finances, housework, children, work, but often times they do not know how to talk about sexual relations.  Many times, this leads to frustration and even leads couples to believe they are not compatible. “Yet, in spite of the potentially joyful aspects of sexuality in marriage, for many it is a source of frustration and even contention. Indeed, the inability of married couples to intimately relate to each other is one of the major causes of divorce. President Spencer W. Kimball noted that even in our own church, “if you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally, sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 312.) (Brotherson, 2003).

Having an open dialog with your spouse in this area may be difficult if there is already tension and may impact communication and can lead to insecurity, anxiety, anger, emotional alienation, even divorce.  Many couples suffer silently.  If you are feeling disconnected sexually in your marriage, it may be that questions may need to be asked.  Gaining knowledge and understanding how your own body functions biologically, as well as understanding your partners responses are essential in helping find a healthy sexual relationship. 

Communicating about sexual intimacy can become more comfortable over time, but couples must practice, and express feelings in specific ways.  They will learn to trust each other. “So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are … indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other's desires without much talk … The problem is that the less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result” (Gottman, 2015).

“In summary, sex should be a celebration. It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation. And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children. The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship. Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other. It won't always be easy. But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.” (Brotherson, 2003).

Brotherson, S. E. (2003) They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage.  Meridian Magazine.  Retrieved from https://ldsmag.com/article-1-10072/

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

The Marital Poop 💩 Detector and Criticism - Week 11

Marriage is an amazing journey!  We choose to navigate life’s greatest joys and challenges with our best friend and lover.  During this process, we will all undoubtedly have marital issues at one point or another.  Couples that have high expectations of their relationships and want to work out their issues, have the highest quality marriages.  And with all of the current emoji “pop-culture”, it’s fitting that we can see how our marriages are measuring up using the “The Marital Poop 💩 Detector.”   This is actually a tool that Dr. Gottman created for couples to stay better connected.  This is a list of twenty-five assessments statements that you and your partner can review daily, weekly or whenever you need a “check-in” to evaluate how connected you and your partner are feeling. Dr. Gottman offers twenty-five, but here are a few; 

1 – “I have been acting irritably.

2 – I have been feeling emotionally distant.

3 – There has been a lot of tension between us.

4 – I find myself wanting to be somewhere else.

5 – I have been feeling lonely.

6 – My partner has seemed emotionally unavailable to me.

7 – I have been angry.

8 -  We have been out of touch with each other.

9 – My partner has little idea of what I am thinking.

10 – We have been under a great deal of stress, and it has taken its toll of us” (Gottman, 2015).

This is just a sampling, but the idea is to go over these questions together and honestly, and gently, talk about each question.  Using active listing skills, soft start-ups, and a lot of empathy and love, together you can start to reconnect.  It’s easy to lose touch with your spouse and this is a great way to stay coupled. 

Gottman also talks about criticism.  He says, “There is no such thing as constructive criticism.  All criticism is painful—criticism doesn’t make a marriage better.”   He talks about two sources that causes a spouse to be chronically critical. First, the spouse is emotionally unresponsive.  It is very easy to become critical of an unresponsive mate.  They don’t unload the dishwasher when you ask, so after a while, you become less patient with your requests and your approach is more than likely more critical, causing your spouse to become more unresponsive.  “It takes courage to be less critical of an unresponsive mate, and it takes courage to turn toward a partner who’s always harping on your flaws.  But both changes are necessary to end the cycle” (Gottman, 2015).  You make the choice to end the cycle.

The second source of criticism in marriage comes from within.  This is criticism that we have all developed over a lifetime.  It is one of self-doubt and inadequacy.  Even after our great accomplishments as adults, this criticism sneaks in and has us telling ourselves, many times, that we are not good enough.  We are our own worst critic.  Gottman suggests that if you are always looking for your own flaws and consider yourself inadequate, you will always be looking for what is NOT there in yourself and your partner.  He says that the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to accept yourself, flaws and all.  This will help you accept who you are and look for the good in yourself of and your spouse.  We take for granted the many wonderful qualities that our partners possess when we are preoccupied with what’s not there.  Many people achieve personal acceptance by religious means of using the path of religious forgiveness.  Some use prayers of thanksgiving and focus on the things in which they are grateful.  Then maybe one day, you will have healing of your soul and feel more accepting of yourself and what a wonderful feeling that will be.

Goddard H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

Perpetual and Solvable Conflict

After two people get married, routines begin, the dust settles, and the happy couple might find, to their surprise, that they get irritated with each other at times.  We have to be realistic here.  When we married our partners, we all chose the person that we were going to live with the rest of our lives, which includes all the quirks that come with them.  Disagreements, minor irritations, annoyances, conflict; it happens to the best of couples!  Being able to identify what type of conflict you are having with your spouse can help you with what type of strategy to use in helping to resolve it.  There are two categories of conflict; perpetual and solvable.

Perpetual conflict consists of typical ongoing conflict that does not go away over long periods of time.  An example of this might be one parent wants to raise their child Jewish and the other wants to raise the same child Catholic.  Or one partner is ready to have a baby and the other isn’t.  Or one spouse is more lax with housework than the other, which makes the other angry and nag.  This type of conflict is long lasting, and will probably still be an issue, years in the future.  Many couples use humor as a strategy and approach to smooth over their issues.   “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts” (Gottman, 2015).  Many couples cope with their problems by keep talking about them, acknowledging them, and joking about them, knowing that they may not change, but if they are talking about their issues, they will not overwhelm their marriage either.

Gridlock is a state that can happen if perpetual conflict is not coped with well, in an unstable marriage.  Gottman says that some signs of gridlock include feeling rejected by your partner, being unwilling to budge on your side of the conflict, no humor or affection toward spouse, and you disengage from your spouse emotionally.  These are very dangerous signs that are extremely painful. 

**There is a way out of gridlock, but you both have to be willing.  The key to this, and the start of getting out of gridlock, according to Gottman, starts with sharing with each other the significant personal dams you have for your life.  Meaning, the endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between the two of you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in its place” (Gottman, 2015).

Solvable Problems sound simple enough, but if not treated properly and with respect, can be quite painful.  They do not always get resolved and can cause much tension in a marriage.  It is one thing to think, hey I can try to think how my spouse feels when we are having conflict, then I will know how to solve this problem.  It doesn’t work like that, we really don’t know how other’s feel, we only know how we feel and how we respond to a situation. Gottman gave five steps in how we can help with solvable problems.

1.   Soften your start-ups – This deals with HOW you initiate introducing a conflict conversation. 

2.   Learn to make are receive repair attempts – This is when One partner makes a statement or action silly or not to prevent a bad situation to spiral out of control. 

3.   Soothe yourself and each other – this is just taking a break so both you and your partner do not get to the point of feeling flooded.

4.   Compromise – you don’t always get your way.  This is the only way to solve marital problems.

5.   Process and grievances so that they don’t linger.  You must discuss what triggers caused these problems in the first pace and how to avoid them in the future.  

Marriage is supposed to be an awesome experience where we are not supposed to have huge problems and conflict.  In addition to these great strategies listed, another strategy to help us avoid conflict is looking to the Lord.

We can certainly have a different perspective: an eternal perspective.  In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, when we enter our temples and marry, we not only are married here on earth, but we are sealed to our spouse for eternity.  “While some may argue that they do not care to be sealed eternally to the spiritual pygmies who are their partners, those who understand the things of God know that their imperfect partners will one day be made glorious.  One day we may feel honored to have known the people we now disdain” (Goddard, 2009). 

I know that there are times that I get frustrated with my husband, but I also know that if I just take a step back and look at the bigger picture, where I am here to help my husband, and he is here to help me through this life.  My patience and love for him is what fills my heart.  “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to how we can bless and serve.  We become more grateful.  Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served—without thought of reward.  While there are destructive relationships that should end, the vast majority of relationship can survive and flourish if each of us brings our whole soul as an offering” (Goddard, 2009).

Goddard H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

Beware of Pride - Week 8

Pride is an interesting concept because when you are wrapped up in it, you don’t feel like you are doing anything wrong.  This is why pride is so dangerous.  I decided to listen a sermon called Beware of  Pride, by President Ezra Taft Benson.  To my pleasant surprise, it was delivered by Gordon B. Hinkley. The words of this talk are straight forward and powerful.  For a long time after this talk, I remember it was almost taboo to use the word “proud.”   President Benson teaches that, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.”  It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.  Pride is competitive in nature.  As Paul said, they “see their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s” (Philip 2:21) (Benson, 1989).  Proud people do not like people telling them what to do, and do not think what they are doing is wrong.  However, pride is always a sin.

In any relationship, especially marriage, since we are together so often, there are many times we become annoyed with our spouse.  This is not their problem, this is our problem.  When ever we feel like we need to complain to our spouse and “fix” them, we are suffering with pride.  “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others.  God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others” (Goddard, 2009).  When we find ourselves irritated by small, or for that matter, large things, that our spouses say or do, we need to be the ones to re-evaluate our inner intentions toward them.  Repenting includes asking for God’s mercy. “...that he would have mercy upon you.  Yea, cry unto him for mercy, for her is mighty to save” (Alma 34:17-18).  “The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more profound, and, in a sense, easier your marriage is likely to be” (Gottman, 2015).   

“The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and contrite spirit” (Benson, 1989).  "But humility is not something reserved to be taught only to children. We must all strive to become more humble. Humility is essential to gain the blessings of the gospel. Humility enables us to have broken hearts when we sin or make mistakes and makes it possible for us to repent. Humility enables us to be better parents, sons and daughters, husbands and wives, neighbors and friends.  On the other hand, unnecessary pride can dissolve family relationships, break up marriages, and destroy friendships. It is especially important to remember humility when you feel contention rising in your home. Think of all the heartache you can avoid by humbling yourself to say, “I’m sorry”; “That was inconsiderate of me”; “What would you like to do?”; “I just wasn’t thinking”; or “I’m very proud of you.” If these little phrases were humbly used, there would be less contention and more peace in our homes" (Snow, 2016).  There are many ways in which we can choose to be humble.  One way we can accomplish this is by taking time to serve others, whether it is a family member, neighbor, church member, or service in the temple.  Submitting to the will of God, instead of our own will, shows that we are humbling ourselves and loving others more than ourselves.  Showing mercy to others, also helps us master our quest for being humble.  We are not perfect beings.  We should show mercy to others the way that Christ had mercy on the lives of those he touched in the examples of the scriptures.

In marriage, it is hard to bite your tongue and let things that bother you slide sometimes.  We need to remember that when we marry our cherished spouse that we want to build a wonderful life with them.  We can accomplish this by creating shared meaning and goals. Essentially families are a mini-culture that is created by two people building their family foundation on shared goals and values.  This can only be done with respect, love, appreciation of each other’s differences, and realizing that a “rewarding marriage is about more than sidestepping conflict.  A crucial goal of any marriage, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions.  The more you talk candidly and respectfully, the more likely there is to be a blending of your sense of meaning” (Gottman, 2015).

 If you have time, this is an excellent talk on Pride from President Uchtdorf. 

Benson, E. T. (1989) Beware of Pride. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Goddard H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

Snow, S. E, (2016) Be Thou Humble. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/be-thou-humble?lang=eng