Marriage Transitions

               Marrying your best friend is the best thing that anyone can hope for in their lifetime.  Joy and marital bliss is what all couples have been searching.  I believe that during the engagement and even after the wedding is finished, couples really do not realize how great a transition married life can be.  It is difficult getting used to living with a new person and all of the little things they bring into the marriage, which is wonderful, crazy, and fun.  However, there is also a lot of added stress when parents of newlyweds put a lot of unrealistic expectations on newly married couples.

“Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24).  Cleaving to your spouse, is basically turning to them, putting them as first priority in their scope of relationships.  This does not mean that you exclude parents, siblings, or friends, it just means that your spouse is your “number one.”  Nothing, or no other relationship, should get between you and your partner.

               Elder Ashton reminds us that married children should be faithful and supportive to their spouses, but not forget their parents.  In turn, parents may need to give up previous roles they had with their children to allow the new couple to be independent. (Harper & Olson, 2005)

               President Spencer W. Kimball cautioned us on this subject, “Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things… President Kimball also suggests couples immediately find their own home and be independent from both sets of parents.  You’ll live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations” (Harper & Olson, 2005).

            When one of my friends married, her mom had a difficult time "letting go" of her daughter.  She would call for "girls lunch" or to go see a movie.  This put a strain on her daughter's marriage.  Her daughter felt caught in the middle because she didn't want to offend her mom, but also want newly married and wanted to establish her new marriage identity.  Her husband was very understanding and supportive and it all eventually worked out. 

               Your spouse is your confidant.   When a couple gets married, they need to establish a marital identity.   This includes sharing information with only your spouse, which can be very difficult for a daughter who has a very close relationship with her mother.  This must be practiced in order for a husband and wife to begin to be the primary confidants with each other” (Harper & Olson, 2005).

               It is the parents’ responsibility to protect their child’s “couple boundary” and help their marital identity grow and flourish.   As parents of adult children, we really need to remember how we felt when we married our husbands and/or wives.  We need to think of what our parents and in-laws did to help our relationships grow and what they might have done to make things awkward, so we can avoid repeating those patterns.  “It’s also important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their children-in-law as individuals.  The burden of acceptance rests with parents-in-law…. children-in-law want nothing more than to be accepted and respected” (Harper & Olson, 2005).

               Of course, when our children get married, we want then to spend all of the special occasions and holidays with us, however, we must realize that they are growing a new family and they will need their space to decide how they want to run their family.   Parents need to guilt their children less, and love and support them more.  I believe this can be accomplished by taking a step back and letting the newly married couple take the lead.  Let them ask for suggestions, but ultimately decide what and how they will run their family.



               Remember, when there is a marriage in the family, there are so many new family members gained.  Let’s not ruin our opportunities of getting to know wonderful people by putting unrealistic expectations on the newlyweds or family of the bride or groom.  It is a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and who knows, you might find that the “in-laws” are not that bad after all.

Harper, J. M., & Olsen, S. F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.” In C.H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” (pp. 327-334). Salk Lake Coty, UT: Deseret Book Company