Intimacy in Marriage - Week 11

In addressing sexual intimacy, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I feel like this topic is something that most of the time is an uncomfortable topic to discuss.  This is a sacred topic that is usually addressed to the youth in terms of “do’s and don’ts”.   Many warnings and examples are given to youth so they can avoid a bad situation.  However, not much is really said about intimacy after wedding vows have been made.   This is not a good idea.  All youth, young men and young women need to be educated in the sanctity and importance of sexual relations after marriage. 

In marriages, sexual intimacy is not only to multiply and replenish the earth, it is to bring oneness and joy to the marriage.  Couples know how to talk about finances, housework, children, work, but often times they do not know how to talk about sexual relations.  Many times, this leads to frustration and even leads couples to believe they are not compatible. “Yet, in spite of the potentially joyful aspects of sexuality in marriage, for many it is a source of frustration and even contention. Indeed, the inability of married couples to intimately relate to each other is one of the major causes of divorce. President Spencer W. Kimball noted that even in our own church, “if you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally, sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 312.) (Brotherson, 2003).

Having an open dialog with your spouse in this area may be difficult if there is already tension and may impact communication and can lead to insecurity, anxiety, anger, emotional alienation, even divorce.  Many couples suffer silently.  If you are feeling disconnected sexually in your marriage, it may be that questions may need to be asked.  Gaining knowledge and understanding how your own body functions biologically, as well as understanding your partners responses are essential in helping find a healthy sexual relationship. 

Communicating about sexual intimacy can become more comfortable over time, but couples must practice, and express feelings in specific ways.  They will learn to trust each other. “So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are … indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other's desires without much talk … The problem is that the less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result” (Gottman, 2015).

“In summary, sex should be a celebration. It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation. And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children. The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship. Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other. It won't always be easy. But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.” (Brotherson, 2003).

Brotherson, S. E. (2003) They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage.  Meridian Magazine.  Retrieved from https://ldsmag.com/article-1-10072/

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York