Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away – Week 7

Respond to stressful times by turning toward each other, rather than away from each other.                             
                                                                        -Tim DeChristopher

Turn toward each other instead of away - is the third principle that Dr. John Gottman suggests we use in our marriages, as a way to help them work.  What does this mean?   Well, if you are married, you are practicing this principle either positively or negatively, daily, whether or not you know it.  Let me explain.  First of all, Gottman talks about making “bids” for our partner’s attention.  One makes a “bid” by trying to get some type of reaction like, affection, humor, attention or support, from someone else.  “Bids can be as minor as a back rub, or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill.”  The key is how your partner, or you, respond to a bid; you either turn toward your spouse, or away from them.  “A tendency of turning toward your spouse is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life” (Gottman, 2015).   This creates a positive atmosphere and “banks” a positive balance in your relationship “emotional bank account.”  This is such a great way to illustrate the trust that can be built, “a deposit”, by turning toward your partner; or the lack of trust, “a withdrawal,” when a “bid” is rejected or thrown aside.  We also must make time for each other so we have opportunities to grow together.

This is all about how you react to the small things in your marriage. For instance, the wife asks the husband to please take out the garbage; the husband has two choices. He can willingly and lovingly just take out the garbage (even though he really doesn’t want to, but knows it means a lot to his wife), OR he can begrudgingly take the garbage out, complaining the whole time (which drags everyone down). Which scenario is increasing the balance in the wife’s “emotional bank account?” You got it! The first choice will bring a positive feeling into the couple’s relationship. I believe the most amazing thing about this principle is, most people are not thinking, “I need to make some deposits in my partner’s emotional bank account.” They just make a “whatever” decision based on their mood at the time. Sometimes it works for good, sometimes it doesn’t.

Intentional living is a concept that I have become more interested in over the years.  This is living your life with a conscious attempt to live by your values and beliefs which brings clarity and focus into your life.  Intentional living goes hand in hand with turning toward your spouse because it means you are making an effort to help improve your marriage or relationship.  You are choosing to make your marriage happy by making an effort to build, and lift up your spouse.  Turning toward your spouse, when you hear a “bid” from them, can dramatically change the dynamic of your marriage relationship.  If, one day, you hear your spouse say something under their breath, ask them if you can help them in any way.  Find out what their need is at that moment and decide to do something to help them out.  You will see your marriage change for the better, because this type of work is based on selflessness.  This after all, is what everyone wants in a marriage; someone to love unconditionally and someone to do the same in return.

President Gordon B. Hinkley counseled, “I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of the problems that lead to broken homes. I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.  The remedy for most marriage stress, it is in repentance.  …. It is found in the Golden Rule” (Goddard, 2009).  
Establishing a good foundation to a marriage is based on treating your spouse the way you want to be treated.  

John 14:34 reads, "A new commandment I give to you, that ye love one another as I have loved you, that ye also love one another" (John 13:34, Authorized King James Version).  This scripture teaches us that if we love God, we will love one another . How does Jesus love?  Unconditionally.  In Ephesians 4:32 it says, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."  Loving, turning the other cheek, repenting and forgiving others, are eternal principles intertwined with the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  We need to remember to bring God and Christ into our marriages.  Our spouses are not perfect.  We will, at one time or another, say an unkind word, forget to be somewhere after we have committed our time, or even forget to take out the garbage. “Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice" (Gottman). The point is, we are here to work on perfecting ourselves as well as improve our relationship with God.  

We must recognize that even though we love and cherish our spouses, they are not perfect.  “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust God is working to rescue our spouse even as he is working to rescue us.  When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partners, (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress” (Goddard, 2009). It’s easy to be judgmental of your spouse, but we must remember, we are all works in progress.

Remember, we are all human.  We need to remember to forgive, instead of taking offense.  In these moments, ponder principle #3 in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work– turn toward each other instead of away.  Make an intentional decision on how you are going to live your life and how you can positively build your marriage.  Hopefully, we will choose to act in such a way that helps bring love, peace, and harmony into our marriages. 

I just wanted to publicly thank my classmates for helping review and edit my blogs posts.  Thanks Margaret, Cassie, and Staci!  Good luck to you all with the remainder of the semester!

Goddard H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York