After
two people get married, routines begin, the dust settles, and the happy couple
might find, to their surprise, that they get irritated with each other at
times. We have to be realistic here. When we married our partners, we all chose the
person that we were going to live with the rest of our lives, which includes
all the quirks that come with them. Disagreements,
minor irritations, annoyances, conflict; it happens to the best of couples! Being able to identify what type of conflict
you are having with your spouse can help you with what type of strategy to use
in helping to resolve it. There are two categories
of conflict; perpetual and solvable.
Perpetual
conflict consists of typical ongoing conflict that does not go away over
long periods of time. An example of this
might be one parent wants to raise their child Jewish and the other wants to
raise the same child Catholic. Or one partner
is ready to have a baby and the other isn’t.
Or one spouse is more lax with housework than the other, which makes the
other angry and nag. This type of conflict
is long lasting, and will probably still be an issue, years in the future. Many couples use humor as a strategy and
approach to smooth over their issues. “Despite
what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major
marital conflicts” (Gottman, 2015). Many
couples cope with their problems by keep talking about them, acknowledging them,
and joking about them, knowing that they may not change, but if they are
talking about their issues, they will not overwhelm their marriage either.
Gridlock
is a state that can happen if perpetual conflict is not coped with well, in an
unstable marriage. Gottman says that some
signs of gridlock include feeling rejected by your partner, being unwilling to
budge on your side of the conflict, no humor or affection toward spouse, and
you disengage from your spouse emotionally.
These are very dangerous signs that are extremely painful.
**There
is a way out of gridlock, but you both have to be willing. The key to this, and the start of getting out
of gridlock, according to Gottman, starts with sharing with each other the
significant personal dams you have for your life. Meaning, the endless argument symbolizes some
profound difference between the two of you that needs to be addressed before
you can put the problem in its place” (Gottman, 2015).
Solvable
Problems sound simple enough, but if not treated properly and with respect, can
be quite painful. They do not always get
resolved and can cause much tension in a marriage. It is one thing to think, hey I can try to think
how my spouse feels when we are having conflict, then I will know how to solve
this problem. It doesn’t work like that,
we really don’t know how other’s feel, we only know how we feel and how we
respond to a situation. Gottman gave five steps in how we can help with
solvable problems.
1. Soften your start-ups
– This deals with HOW you initiate introducing a conflict conversation.
2. Learn to make are
receive repair attempts – This is when One partner makes a statement or action
silly or not to prevent a bad situation to spiral out of control.
3. Soothe yourself and
each other – this is just taking a break so both you and your partner do not get
to the point of feeling flooded.
4. Compromise – you don’t
always get your way. This is the only
way to solve marital problems.
5. Process and
grievances so that they don’t linger.
You must discuss what triggers caused these problems in the first pace
and how to avoid them in the future.
Marriage
is supposed to be an awesome experience where we are not supposed to have huge
problems and conflict. In addition to
these great strategies listed, another strategy to help us avoid conflict is looking
to the Lord.
We
can certainly have a different perspective: an eternal perspective. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints, when we enter our temples and marry, we not only are married here on earth,
but we are sealed to our spouse for eternity.
“While some may argue that they do not care to be sealed eternally to
the spiritual pygmies who are their partners, those who understand the things
of God know that their imperfect partners will one day be made glorious. One day we may feel honored to have known the
people we now disdain” (Goddard, 2009).
I
know that there are times that I get frustrated with my husband, but I also
know that if I just take a step back and look at the bigger picture, where I am
here to help my husband, and he is here to help me through this life. My patience and love for him is what fills my
heart. “Consecration is a covenant that
moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to how we can bless and
serve. We become more grateful. Rather than wondering if this marriage is a
good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace
that we may love and serve as Jesus served—without thought of reward. While there are destructive relationships
that should end, the vast majority of relationship can survive and flourish if
each of us brings our whole soul as an offering” (Goddard, 2009).
Goddard H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
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