FAML 300 Marriage: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

John Gottman is a renowned relationship expert. He and his wife, Julie, live in Seattle and have studied relationships extensively for over forty years. He has helped develop a “Love Lab” at the University of Washington that is an apartment where a couple lives for a weekend. In the apartment, there are cameras installed and heart monitors placed on the participants. Gottman’s claim is that he can predict, around 91% of the time if a couple will divorce by observing them in a fifteen-minute conversation. This is amazing to me; however, I understand that Gottman has been studying marriages and relationships for a very long time. Not only can he predict whether or not a marriage will end, he has also found what will make a marriage last.

Marriage is a great leap of faith, that you and your partner will be able to rely on each other for the long haul. The great thing is, marriage can be simple. “Grace and mercy are at the heart of a loving family” (Goddard, 2009). When we decide to marry, we must realize that we are marrying an imperfect human, and we will have the opportunity to practice patience, long-suffering, charity, and many times, forgiveness.

The belief that a couple can save their relationship by communicating more sensitively is a myth about marriage that can potentially tear it apart. This is only one myth of many that Gottman talks about in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. Myths are dangerous in that they can “lead couples down the wrong path or, worse, convince them that their marriage is a hopeless case” (Gottman, 2015). The following myths are the most common.

Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages.

“We all have issues we are not rational about. These triggers are called ‘enduring vulnerabilities’ (Gottman,2015), and when used against our partner, they can cause marriages to unravel. Everyone has a quirk or something odd about them. It is finding the right partner, someone with whom you can get along with, that makes happy relationships. If you can figure out how to respect and accommodate your partners neuroses, you can have a successful relationship.

Common interests keep you together.

This depends on how you interact with your spouse during the activity. If the activity builds comradery, and enhances love and friendship, then great. If the activity is not benefiting the marriage, because of disagreements on how to do the activity or one spouse is criticizing the other in the way they are participating, then it’s not worth joining in that activity together.

You scratch my back and ……..

Some believe that if you do something nice for your partner, your partner needs reciprocate quickly. With good, strong relationships, there is no keeping score. One loves and serves the other because they genuinely love and want to serve them. As soon as one starts tallying up who has done more for the other, problems will arise in your marriage.

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Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage.

Every couple handles conflict differently. Some couples choose to not address conflict and avoids fighting at all costs. Some couples argue a lot, and some are able to talk out their differences with compromise. It doesn’t matter what style is used as long as it works for both people.

Affairs are the root cause of divorce.

When a marriage is in trouble, couples are not having their needs of a fulfilling relationship met. This can send couples looking for an intimate connection outside the marriage. This is less about sex than it is about filling a need of support, friendship and understanding, respect, attention caring and concern. “80% of divorced men and women said they broke up because they gradually grew apart and didn’t feel loved or appreciated” (Gottman, 2015).

Men are not biologically built for marriage.

It is assumed that men are philanderers by nature and ill suited for monogamy. However, extramarital affairs do not depend on gender as much as opportunity. Since women have entered the workplace in droves, the number of extramarital affairs of young women now slightly exceed those of men” (Gottman, 2015).

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Men and women are from different planets.

Many people have heard that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The following statistic is why this is not true. Dr. Gottman states that “the determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship… and for men, the determining factor is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship… so men and women come from the same planet after all.” Gender may contribute to marital problems, but they don’t cause them.

Gottman suggests that the key to a happy marriage is a deep friendship. This means that you are genuinely concerned about your partner. That you feel what they are feeling. You enjoy each other’s company and want to make sure that person is happy. You support them in their hopes and dreams, love them for their quirks and show your love for them not only in big ways, but also in the small, simple gestures made every day. Fostering this friendship is they key to a happy marriage. Gottman uses the term, “attunement” to show how couples are “in tune” to their spouse. This means that you literally feel what your partner feels. Trust and commitment are essential to a happy marriage. In turn, their happiness is contingent on their partners feelings.

I am one lucky lady because I found and married my best friend. We laugh together, cry together, and rely on each other for support and special connections. We have been married for 26 years, and counting. I believe that we have accomplished this because we have fostered our friendship. We do not go outside our marriage for this type of relationship. We have each other’s back and are on the same team, rooting for each other and our family. “When we focus on our discontent, we will blame others. In contrast, when we focus on someone else’s pains, we are more likely to have compassion” (Goddard, 2009).