Marriage Transitions

               Marrying your best friend is the best thing that anyone can hope for in their lifetime.  Joy and marital bliss is what all couples have been searching.  I believe that during the engagement and even after the wedding is finished, couples really do not realize how great a transition married life can be.  It is difficult getting used to living with a new person and all of the little things they bring into the marriage, which is wonderful, crazy, and fun.  However, there is also a lot of added stress when parents of newlyweds put a lot of unrealistic expectations on newly married couples.

“Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24).  Cleaving to your spouse, is basically turning to them, putting them as first priority in their scope of relationships.  This does not mean that you exclude parents, siblings, or friends, it just means that your spouse is your “number one.”  Nothing, or no other relationship, should get between you and your partner.

               Elder Ashton reminds us that married children should be faithful and supportive to their spouses, but not forget their parents.  In turn, parents may need to give up previous roles they had with their children to allow the new couple to be independent. (Harper & Olson, 2005)

               President Spencer W. Kimball cautioned us on this subject, “Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things… President Kimball also suggests couples immediately find their own home and be independent from both sets of parents.  You’ll live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations” (Harper & Olson, 2005).

            When one of my friends married, her mom had a difficult time "letting go" of her daughter.  She would call for "girls lunch" or to go see a movie.  This put a strain on her daughter's marriage.  Her daughter felt caught in the middle because she didn't want to offend her mom, but also want newly married and wanted to establish her new marriage identity.  Her husband was very understanding and supportive and it all eventually worked out. 

               Your spouse is your confidant.   When a couple gets married, they need to establish a marital identity.   This includes sharing information with only your spouse, which can be very difficult for a daughter who has a very close relationship with her mother.  This must be practiced in order for a husband and wife to begin to be the primary confidants with each other” (Harper & Olson, 2005).

               It is the parents’ responsibility to protect their child’s “couple boundary” and help their marital identity grow and flourish.   As parents of adult children, we really need to remember how we felt when we married our husbands and/or wives.  We need to think of what our parents and in-laws did to help our relationships grow and what they might have done to make things awkward, so we can avoid repeating those patterns.  “It’s also important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their children-in-law as individuals.  The burden of acceptance rests with parents-in-law…. children-in-law want nothing more than to be accepted and respected” (Harper & Olson, 2005).

               Of course, when our children get married, we want then to spend all of the special occasions and holidays with us, however, we must realize that they are growing a new family and they will need their space to decide how they want to run their family.   Parents need to guilt their children less, and love and support them more.  I believe this can be accomplished by taking a step back and letting the newly married couple take the lead.  Let them ask for suggestions, but ultimately decide what and how they will run their family.



               Remember, when there is a marriage in the family, there are so many new family members gained.  Let’s not ruin our opportunities of getting to know wonderful people by putting unrealistic expectations on the newlyweds or family of the bride or groom.  It is a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and who knows, you might find that the “in-laws” are not that bad after all.

Harper, J. M., & Olsen, S. F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.” In C.H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” (pp. 327-334). Salk Lake Coty, UT: Deseret Book Company

Family Unity and Who's Got the Power?

When we finally find the person we are going to marry, the person that we want to spend eternity with, it’s a very exciting time.  We know the Lord expects us to unify with our spouse.  “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen 2:24).  Heavenly Father wants our marriages to be united forever and has placed a desire in our hearts to pursue eternal happiness.  Satan knows this, as he understands the Great Plan of Happiness. He was with us before the creation of the world and knows what he needs to do to frustrate God’s plan.  We have previously talked about selfishness and pride leading to unhappiness in marriage.  Those are a couple of tools that Satan uses to slyly wedge feelings of insecurity, doubt, and mistrust in a marriage, causing feelings of loneliness and unhappiness.

We need to be sure to keep our marriages and families united. “Where the people have that Spirit with them, we may expect Harmony.  The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony.  The Spirit of God never generates Contention.  It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife.  It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others.  It unifies souls.  A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend of unified souls. (Eyring, 1998).



Another unifying aspect of marriage is sharing power in a marriage relationship.  If one partner has all of the power and authority in a marriage, there can be no unity.  Power in a relationship can be tricky to manage.  I believe that, at times, couples don’t even think about “who has the power” in their relationship.  It is interesting to think about and necessary to look and think about shared power.  Many issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems.

In Who Is the Boss?  Power Relationships in Families, by Richard B. Miller, he listed five step that are important regarding power in the family hierarchy.

1.  Parents are the leaders in the family.  Parents are the executive branch of the family.  This is referring to parents leading their family in love.  Setting limits, lovingly. “Do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines.  Be sure to say no when it is needed” (Miller, 2008).

2. Parents must be united in their leadership.  Parents must work together to lead their family.  There can be no other coalition with another member of the family, this will undermine the executive branch and will destabilize the authority of the unity of parents working together.

3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.  When children become adults, the parent-child relationship changes.  Parents can no longer expect children to obey them, in the sense that they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do.  If adult children are living in their homes, they still must expect to abide by their parents’ house rules and be respectful of their families’ ways and values, which they already know.  However, if these children are married, parents must NOT interfere with their with their children’s lives; they are now in their own family units.

4. The marital relationship should be a partnership – Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between husband and wife #equalpower #equalcontrol

a.      Husbands and wives are equals – meaning neither is inferior or superior. “Each walks side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.  Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have” (Miller, 2008).

b.      Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.  

By divine design, fathers are to reside over their families in love and righteousness and res responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.  Mothers are primarily response le for the nurture of their children.  In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners (Declaration on the Family).

Marriage is an equal partnership between husband and wife.  Each has a specific role.  The father who holds the priesthood fills most successfully the role of director and protector of the group.  Hopefully his position is never one of autocratic direction, but only of cooperative consideration carried out in perfect love and unselfishness” (Miller, 2008)

c.      A husband’s role as a patriarch gives him the responsibly to serve his wife and family.  “Jesus game the model of the leader-servant in the pattern of “How can I help?”  not “How can I help myself?”  The leader-servant is perfectly epitomized by Jesus, and if we are to become like Him, we need to emulate him.  The Priesthood of God means only the right to serve, in the name of God, and he who serves God’s children in God’s name is doing the greatest service for the Master that can be done” (Miller, 2008)

d.      Husbands and wives work together as partners.  Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do.   But n a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership.  They make decisions together in harmony, with mutual consideration, with respect. 

Remember that neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other.  Husbands and wives are equal partners, particularly Latter-day Saint husbands and wives.   Unity is what needs to be a driving force in our marriages, we need to strive for it and be aware of our own actions that might offend our partners. 

Here’s a quote from President Hinckley, “The girls who marries you will not wish to be married to a tightwad. Neither will she wish to be married to a spendthrift.  She is entitled to know all about family finances.  She will be your partner.  Unless here is a full an complete understanding between you and your wife on these matters, there likely will come misunderstandings and suspicions that will cause trouble that can lead to greater problems” (Miller, 2008),

5. What is the power relationship in your marriage?  This is really a loaded question.  There are a lot of ways to determine who holds power and control in your marriage.   It has been proposed that power is made up of two components.  The first is the process of power, where one spouse tends to dominate conversations, doesn’t listen to the other partner’s opinion, etc.  The second component is power outcome, which is determined by which partner tends to get their way when there is a disagreement.

If we can just remember to beware of pride and remember that if we invite the Spirit of the Lord into our home we will be better unified.   The Lord loves us and is rooting for us.  He wants us to be successful and wants all of us to return to live with Him. 

Eyring, H. B. (1998). That we may be one. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng

Miller, Richard B. (2008, March). Who Is the Boss?  Power Relationships in Families.  BYU Conference on Family Life. Provo, UT.