Marriage Transitions

               Marrying your best friend is the best thing that anyone can hope for in their lifetime.  Joy and marital bliss is what all couples have been searching.  I believe that during the engagement and even after the wedding is finished, couples really do not realize how great a transition married life can be.  It is difficult getting used to living with a new person and all of the little things they bring into the marriage, which is wonderful, crazy, and fun.  However, there is also a lot of added stress when parents of newlyweds put a lot of unrealistic expectations on newly married couples.

“Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24).  Cleaving to your spouse, is basically turning to them, putting them as first priority in their scope of relationships.  This does not mean that you exclude parents, siblings, or friends, it just means that your spouse is your “number one.”  Nothing, or no other relationship, should get between you and your partner.

               Elder Ashton reminds us that married children should be faithful and supportive to their spouses, but not forget their parents.  In turn, parents may need to give up previous roles they had with their children to allow the new couple to be independent. (Harper & Olson, 2005)

               President Spencer W. Kimball cautioned us on this subject, “Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things… President Kimball also suggests couples immediately find their own home and be independent from both sets of parents.  You’ll live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations” (Harper & Olson, 2005).

            When one of my friends married, her mom had a difficult time "letting go" of her daughter.  She would call for "girls lunch" or to go see a movie.  This put a strain on her daughter's marriage.  Her daughter felt caught in the middle because she didn't want to offend her mom, but also want newly married and wanted to establish her new marriage identity.  Her husband was very understanding and supportive and it all eventually worked out. 

               Your spouse is your confidant.   When a couple gets married, they need to establish a marital identity.   This includes sharing information with only your spouse, which can be very difficult for a daughter who has a very close relationship with her mother.  This must be practiced in order for a husband and wife to begin to be the primary confidants with each other” (Harper & Olson, 2005).

               It is the parents’ responsibility to protect their child’s “couple boundary” and help their marital identity grow and flourish.   As parents of adult children, we really need to remember how we felt when we married our husbands and/or wives.  We need to think of what our parents and in-laws did to help our relationships grow and what they might have done to make things awkward, so we can avoid repeating those patterns.  “It’s also important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their children-in-law as individuals.  The burden of acceptance rests with parents-in-law…. children-in-law want nothing more than to be accepted and respected” (Harper & Olson, 2005).

               Of course, when our children get married, we want then to spend all of the special occasions and holidays with us, however, we must realize that they are growing a new family and they will need their space to decide how they want to run their family.   Parents need to guilt their children less, and love and support them more.  I believe this can be accomplished by taking a step back and letting the newly married couple take the lead.  Let them ask for suggestions, but ultimately decide what and how they will run their family.



               Remember, when there is a marriage in the family, there are so many new family members gained.  Let’s not ruin our opportunities of getting to know wonderful people by putting unrealistic expectations on the newlyweds or family of the bride or groom.  It is a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and who knows, you might find that the “in-laws” are not that bad after all.

Harper, J. M., & Olsen, S. F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.” In C.H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” (pp. 327-334). Salk Lake Coty, UT: Deseret Book Company

Family Unity and Who's Got the Power?

When we finally find the person we are going to marry, the person that we want to spend eternity with, it’s a very exciting time.  We know the Lord expects us to unify with our spouse.  “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen 2:24).  Heavenly Father wants our marriages to be united forever and has placed a desire in our hearts to pursue eternal happiness.  Satan knows this, as he understands the Great Plan of Happiness. He was with us before the creation of the world and knows what he needs to do to frustrate God’s plan.  We have previously talked about selfishness and pride leading to unhappiness in marriage.  Those are a couple of tools that Satan uses to slyly wedge feelings of insecurity, doubt, and mistrust in a marriage, causing feelings of loneliness and unhappiness.

We need to be sure to keep our marriages and families united. “Where the people have that Spirit with them, we may expect Harmony.  The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony.  The Spirit of God never generates Contention.  It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife.  It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others.  It unifies souls.  A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend of unified souls. (Eyring, 1998).



Another unifying aspect of marriage is sharing power in a marriage relationship.  If one partner has all of the power and authority in a marriage, there can be no unity.  Power in a relationship can be tricky to manage.  I believe that, at times, couples don’t even think about “who has the power” in their relationship.  It is interesting to think about and necessary to look and think about shared power.  Many issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems.

In Who Is the Boss?  Power Relationships in Families, by Richard B. Miller, he listed five step that are important regarding power in the family hierarchy.

1.  Parents are the leaders in the family.  Parents are the executive branch of the family.  This is referring to parents leading their family in love.  Setting limits, lovingly. “Do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines.  Be sure to say no when it is needed” (Miller, 2008).

2. Parents must be united in their leadership.  Parents must work together to lead their family.  There can be no other coalition with another member of the family, this will undermine the executive branch and will destabilize the authority of the unity of parents working together.

3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.  When children become adults, the parent-child relationship changes.  Parents can no longer expect children to obey them, in the sense that they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do.  If adult children are living in their homes, they still must expect to abide by their parents’ house rules and be respectful of their families’ ways and values, which they already know.  However, if these children are married, parents must NOT interfere with their with their children’s lives; they are now in their own family units.

4. The marital relationship should be a partnership – Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between husband and wife #equalpower #equalcontrol

a.      Husbands and wives are equals – meaning neither is inferior or superior. “Each walks side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.  Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have” (Miller, 2008).

b.      Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.  

By divine design, fathers are to reside over their families in love and righteousness and res responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.  Mothers are primarily response le for the nurture of their children.  In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners (Declaration on the Family).

Marriage is an equal partnership between husband and wife.  Each has a specific role.  The father who holds the priesthood fills most successfully the role of director and protector of the group.  Hopefully his position is never one of autocratic direction, but only of cooperative consideration carried out in perfect love and unselfishness” (Miller, 2008)

c.      A husband’s role as a patriarch gives him the responsibly to serve his wife and family.  “Jesus game the model of the leader-servant in the pattern of “How can I help?”  not “How can I help myself?”  The leader-servant is perfectly epitomized by Jesus, and if we are to become like Him, we need to emulate him.  The Priesthood of God means only the right to serve, in the name of God, and he who serves God’s children in God’s name is doing the greatest service for the Master that can be done” (Miller, 2008)

d.      Husbands and wives work together as partners.  Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do.   But n a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership.  They make decisions together in harmony, with mutual consideration, with respect. 

Remember that neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other.  Husbands and wives are equal partners, particularly Latter-day Saint husbands and wives.   Unity is what needs to be a driving force in our marriages, we need to strive for it and be aware of our own actions that might offend our partners. 

Here’s a quote from President Hinckley, “The girls who marries you will not wish to be married to a tightwad. Neither will she wish to be married to a spendthrift.  She is entitled to know all about family finances.  She will be your partner.  Unless here is a full an complete understanding between you and your wife on these matters, there likely will come misunderstandings and suspicions that will cause trouble that can lead to greater problems” (Miller, 2008),

5. What is the power relationship in your marriage?  This is really a loaded question.  There are a lot of ways to determine who holds power and control in your marriage.   It has been proposed that power is made up of two components.  The first is the process of power, where one spouse tends to dominate conversations, doesn’t listen to the other partner’s opinion, etc.  The second component is power outcome, which is determined by which partner tends to get their way when there is a disagreement.

If we can just remember to beware of pride and remember that if we invite the Spirit of the Lord into our home we will be better unified.   The Lord loves us and is rooting for us.  He wants us to be successful and wants all of us to return to live with Him. 

Eyring, H. B. (1998). That we may be one. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng

Miller, Richard B. (2008, March). Who Is the Boss?  Power Relationships in Families.  BYU Conference on Family Life. Provo, UT.

Intimacy in Marriage - Week 11

In addressing sexual intimacy, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I feel like this topic is something that most of the time is an uncomfortable topic to discuss.  This is a sacred topic that is usually addressed to the youth in terms of “do’s and don’ts”.   Many warnings and examples are given to youth so they can avoid a bad situation.  However, not much is really said about intimacy after wedding vows have been made.   This is not a good idea.  All youth, young men and young women need to be educated in the sanctity and importance of sexual relations after marriage. 

In marriages, sexual intimacy is not only to multiply and replenish the earth, it is to bring oneness and joy to the marriage.  Couples know how to talk about finances, housework, children, work, but often times they do not know how to talk about sexual relations.  Many times, this leads to frustration and even leads couples to believe they are not compatible. “Yet, in spite of the potentially joyful aspects of sexuality in marriage, for many it is a source of frustration and even contention. Indeed, the inability of married couples to intimately relate to each other is one of the major causes of divorce. President Spencer W. Kimball noted that even in our own church, “if you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally, sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 312.) (Brotherson, 2003).

Having an open dialog with your spouse in this area may be difficult if there is already tension and may impact communication and can lead to insecurity, anxiety, anger, emotional alienation, even divorce.  Many couples suffer silently.  If you are feeling disconnected sexually in your marriage, it may be that questions may need to be asked.  Gaining knowledge and understanding how your own body functions biologically, as well as understanding your partners responses are essential in helping find a healthy sexual relationship. 

Communicating about sexual intimacy can become more comfortable over time, but couples must practice, and express feelings in specific ways.  They will learn to trust each other. “So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are … indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other's desires without much talk … The problem is that the less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result” (Gottman, 2015).

“In summary, sex should be a celebration. It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation. And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children. The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship. Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other. It won't always be easy. But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.” (Brotherson, 2003).

Brotherson, S. E. (2003) They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage.  Meridian Magazine.  Retrieved from https://ldsmag.com/article-1-10072/

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

The Marital Poop 💩 Detector and Criticism - Week 11

Marriage is an amazing journey!  We choose to navigate life’s greatest joys and challenges with our best friend and lover.  During this process, we will all undoubtedly have marital issues at one point or another.  Couples that have high expectations of their relationships and want to work out their issues, have the highest quality marriages.  And with all of the current emoji “pop-culture”, it’s fitting that we can see how our marriages are measuring up using the “The Marital Poop 💩 Detector.”   This is actually a tool that Dr. Gottman created for couples to stay better connected.  This is a list of twenty-five assessments statements that you and your partner can review daily, weekly or whenever you need a “check-in” to evaluate how connected you and your partner are feeling. Dr. Gottman offers twenty-five, but here are a few; 

1 – “I have been acting irritably.

2 – I have been feeling emotionally distant.

3 – There has been a lot of tension between us.

4 – I find myself wanting to be somewhere else.

5 – I have been feeling lonely.

6 – My partner has seemed emotionally unavailable to me.

7 – I have been angry.

8 -  We have been out of touch with each other.

9 – My partner has little idea of what I am thinking.

10 – We have been under a great deal of stress, and it has taken its toll of us” (Gottman, 2015).

This is just a sampling, but the idea is to go over these questions together and honestly, and gently, talk about each question.  Using active listing skills, soft start-ups, and a lot of empathy and love, together you can start to reconnect.  It’s easy to lose touch with your spouse and this is a great way to stay coupled. 

Gottman also talks about criticism.  He says, “There is no such thing as constructive criticism.  All criticism is painful—criticism doesn’t make a marriage better.”   He talks about two sources that causes a spouse to be chronically critical. First, the spouse is emotionally unresponsive.  It is very easy to become critical of an unresponsive mate.  They don’t unload the dishwasher when you ask, so after a while, you become less patient with your requests and your approach is more than likely more critical, causing your spouse to become more unresponsive.  “It takes courage to be less critical of an unresponsive mate, and it takes courage to turn toward a partner who’s always harping on your flaws.  But both changes are necessary to end the cycle” (Gottman, 2015).  You make the choice to end the cycle.

The second source of criticism in marriage comes from within.  This is criticism that we have all developed over a lifetime.  It is one of self-doubt and inadequacy.  Even after our great accomplishments as adults, this criticism sneaks in and has us telling ourselves, many times, that we are not good enough.  We are our own worst critic.  Gottman suggests that if you are always looking for your own flaws and consider yourself inadequate, you will always be looking for what is NOT there in yourself and your partner.  He says that the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to accept yourself, flaws and all.  This will help you accept who you are and look for the good in yourself of and your spouse.  We take for granted the many wonderful qualities that our partners possess when we are preoccupied with what’s not there.  Many people achieve personal acceptance by religious means of using the path of religious forgiveness.  Some use prayers of thanksgiving and focus on the things in which they are grateful.  Then maybe one day, you will have healing of your soul and feel more accepting of yourself and what a wonderful feeling that will be.

Goddard H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

Perpetual and Solvable Conflict

After two people get married, routines begin, the dust settles, and the happy couple might find, to their surprise, that they get irritated with each other at times.  We have to be realistic here.  When we married our partners, we all chose the person that we were going to live with the rest of our lives, which includes all the quirks that come with them.  Disagreements, minor irritations, annoyances, conflict; it happens to the best of couples!  Being able to identify what type of conflict you are having with your spouse can help you with what type of strategy to use in helping to resolve it.  There are two categories of conflict; perpetual and solvable.

Perpetual conflict consists of typical ongoing conflict that does not go away over long periods of time.  An example of this might be one parent wants to raise their child Jewish and the other wants to raise the same child Catholic.  Or one partner is ready to have a baby and the other isn’t.  Or one spouse is more lax with housework than the other, which makes the other angry and nag.  This type of conflict is long lasting, and will probably still be an issue, years in the future.  Many couples use humor as a strategy and approach to smooth over their issues.   “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts” (Gottman, 2015).  Many couples cope with their problems by keep talking about them, acknowledging them, and joking about them, knowing that they may not change, but if they are talking about their issues, they will not overwhelm their marriage either.

Gridlock is a state that can happen if perpetual conflict is not coped with well, in an unstable marriage.  Gottman says that some signs of gridlock include feeling rejected by your partner, being unwilling to budge on your side of the conflict, no humor or affection toward spouse, and you disengage from your spouse emotionally.  These are very dangerous signs that are extremely painful. 

**There is a way out of gridlock, but you both have to be willing.  The key to this, and the start of getting out of gridlock, according to Gottman, starts with sharing with each other the significant personal dams you have for your life.  Meaning, the endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between the two of you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in its place” (Gottman, 2015).

Solvable Problems sound simple enough, but if not treated properly and with respect, can be quite painful.  They do not always get resolved and can cause much tension in a marriage.  It is one thing to think, hey I can try to think how my spouse feels when we are having conflict, then I will know how to solve this problem.  It doesn’t work like that, we really don’t know how other’s feel, we only know how we feel and how we respond to a situation. Gottman gave five steps in how we can help with solvable problems.

1.   Soften your start-ups – This deals with HOW you initiate introducing a conflict conversation. 

2.   Learn to make are receive repair attempts – This is when One partner makes a statement or action silly or not to prevent a bad situation to spiral out of control. 

3.   Soothe yourself and each other – this is just taking a break so both you and your partner do not get to the point of feeling flooded.

4.   Compromise – you don’t always get your way.  This is the only way to solve marital problems.

5.   Process and grievances so that they don’t linger.  You must discuss what triggers caused these problems in the first pace and how to avoid them in the future.  

Marriage is supposed to be an awesome experience where we are not supposed to have huge problems and conflict.  In addition to these great strategies listed, another strategy to help us avoid conflict is looking to the Lord.

We can certainly have a different perspective: an eternal perspective.  In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, when we enter our temples and marry, we not only are married here on earth, but we are sealed to our spouse for eternity.  “While some may argue that they do not care to be sealed eternally to the spiritual pygmies who are their partners, those who understand the things of God know that their imperfect partners will one day be made glorious.  One day we may feel honored to have known the people we now disdain” (Goddard, 2009). 

I know that there are times that I get frustrated with my husband, but I also know that if I just take a step back and look at the bigger picture, where I am here to help my husband, and he is here to help me through this life.  My patience and love for him is what fills my heart.  “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to how we can bless and serve.  We become more grateful.  Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served—without thought of reward.  While there are destructive relationships that should end, the vast majority of relationship can survive and flourish if each of us brings our whole soul as an offering” (Goddard, 2009).

Goddard H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

Beware of Pride - Week 8

Pride is an interesting concept because when you are wrapped up in it, you don’t feel like you are doing anything wrong.  This is why pride is so dangerous.  I decided to listen a sermon called Beware of  Pride, by President Ezra Taft Benson.  To my pleasant surprise, it was delivered by Gordon B. Hinkley. The words of this talk are straight forward and powerful.  For a long time after this talk, I remember it was almost taboo to use the word “proud.”   President Benson teaches that, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.”  It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.  Pride is competitive in nature.  As Paul said, they “see their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s” (Philip 2:21) (Benson, 1989).  Proud people do not like people telling them what to do, and do not think what they are doing is wrong.  However, pride is always a sin.

In any relationship, especially marriage, since we are together so often, there are many times we become annoyed with our spouse.  This is not their problem, this is our problem.  When ever we feel like we need to complain to our spouse and “fix” them, we are suffering with pride.  “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others.  God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others” (Goddard, 2009).  When we find ourselves irritated by small, or for that matter, large things, that our spouses say or do, we need to be the ones to re-evaluate our inner intentions toward them.  Repenting includes asking for God’s mercy. “...that he would have mercy upon you.  Yea, cry unto him for mercy, for her is mighty to save” (Alma 34:17-18).  “The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more profound, and, in a sense, easier your marriage is likely to be” (Gottman, 2015).   

“The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and contrite spirit” (Benson, 1989).  "But humility is not something reserved to be taught only to children. We must all strive to become more humble. Humility is essential to gain the blessings of the gospel. Humility enables us to have broken hearts when we sin or make mistakes and makes it possible for us to repent. Humility enables us to be better parents, sons and daughters, husbands and wives, neighbors and friends.  On the other hand, unnecessary pride can dissolve family relationships, break up marriages, and destroy friendships. It is especially important to remember humility when you feel contention rising in your home. Think of all the heartache you can avoid by humbling yourself to say, “I’m sorry”; “That was inconsiderate of me”; “What would you like to do?”; “I just wasn’t thinking”; or “I’m very proud of you.” If these little phrases were humbly used, there would be less contention and more peace in our homes" (Snow, 2016).  There are many ways in which we can choose to be humble.  One way we can accomplish this is by taking time to serve others, whether it is a family member, neighbor, church member, or service in the temple.  Submitting to the will of God, instead of our own will, shows that we are humbling ourselves and loving others more than ourselves.  Showing mercy to others, also helps us master our quest for being humble.  We are not perfect beings.  We should show mercy to others the way that Christ had mercy on the lives of those he touched in the examples of the scriptures.

In marriage, it is hard to bite your tongue and let things that bother you slide sometimes.  We need to remember that when we marry our cherished spouse that we want to build a wonderful life with them.  We can accomplish this by creating shared meaning and goals. Essentially families are a mini-culture that is created by two people building their family foundation on shared goals and values.  This can only be done with respect, love, appreciation of each other’s differences, and realizing that a “rewarding marriage is about more than sidestepping conflict.  A crucial goal of any marriage, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions.  The more you talk candidly and respectfully, the more likely there is to be a blending of your sense of meaning” (Gottman, 2015).

 If you have time, this is an excellent talk on Pride from President Uchtdorf. 

Benson, E. T. (1989) Beware of Pride. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Goddard H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

Snow, S. E, (2016) Be Thou Humble. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/be-thou-humble?lang=eng

Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away – Week 7

Respond to stressful times by turning toward each other, rather than away from each other.                             
                                                                        -Tim DeChristopher

Turn toward each other instead of away - is the third principle that Dr. John Gottman suggests we use in our marriages, as a way to help them work.  What does this mean?   Well, if you are married, you are practicing this principle either positively or negatively, daily, whether or not you know it.  Let me explain.  First of all, Gottman talks about making “bids” for our partner’s attention.  One makes a “bid” by trying to get some type of reaction like, affection, humor, attention or support, from someone else.  “Bids can be as minor as a back rub, or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill.”  The key is how your partner, or you, respond to a bid; you either turn toward your spouse, or away from them.  “A tendency of turning toward your spouse is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life” (Gottman, 2015).   This creates a positive atmosphere and “banks” a positive balance in your relationship “emotional bank account.”  This is such a great way to illustrate the trust that can be built, “a deposit”, by turning toward your partner; or the lack of trust, “a withdrawal,” when a “bid” is rejected or thrown aside.  We also must make time for each other so we have opportunities to grow together.

This is all about how you react to the small things in your marriage. For instance, the wife asks the husband to please take out the garbage; the husband has two choices. He can willingly and lovingly just take out the garbage (even though he really doesn’t want to, but knows it means a lot to his wife), OR he can begrudgingly take the garbage out, complaining the whole time (which drags everyone down). Which scenario is increasing the balance in the wife’s “emotional bank account?” You got it! The first choice will bring a positive feeling into the couple’s relationship. I believe the most amazing thing about this principle is, most people are not thinking, “I need to make some deposits in my partner’s emotional bank account.” They just make a “whatever” decision based on their mood at the time. Sometimes it works for good, sometimes it doesn’t.

Intentional living is a concept that I have become more interested in over the years.  This is living your life with a conscious attempt to live by your values and beliefs which brings clarity and focus into your life.  Intentional living goes hand in hand with turning toward your spouse because it means you are making an effort to help improve your marriage or relationship.  You are choosing to make your marriage happy by making an effort to build, and lift up your spouse.  Turning toward your spouse, when you hear a “bid” from them, can dramatically change the dynamic of your marriage relationship.  If, one day, you hear your spouse say something under their breath, ask them if you can help them in any way.  Find out what their need is at that moment and decide to do something to help them out.  You will see your marriage change for the better, because this type of work is based on selflessness.  This after all, is what everyone wants in a marriage; someone to love unconditionally and someone to do the same in return.

President Gordon B. Hinkley counseled, “I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of the problems that lead to broken homes. I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.  The remedy for most marriage stress, it is in repentance.  …. It is found in the Golden Rule” (Goddard, 2009).  
Establishing a good foundation to a marriage is based on treating your spouse the way you want to be treated.  

John 14:34 reads, "A new commandment I give to you, that ye love one another as I have loved you, that ye also love one another" (John 13:34, Authorized King James Version).  This scripture teaches us that if we love God, we will love one another . How does Jesus love?  Unconditionally.  In Ephesians 4:32 it says, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."  Loving, turning the other cheek, repenting and forgiving others, are eternal principles intertwined with the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  We need to remember to bring God and Christ into our marriages.  Our spouses are not perfect.  We will, at one time or another, say an unkind word, forget to be somewhere after we have committed our time, or even forget to take out the garbage. “Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice" (Gottman). The point is, we are here to work on perfecting ourselves as well as improve our relationship with God.  

We must recognize that even though we love and cherish our spouses, they are not perfect.  “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust God is working to rescue our spouse even as he is working to rescue us.  When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partners, (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress” (Goddard, 2009). It’s easy to be judgmental of your spouse, but we must remember, we are all works in progress.

Remember, we are all human.  We need to remember to forgive, instead of taking offense.  In these moments, ponder principle #3 in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work– turn toward each other instead of away.  Make an intentional decision on how you are going to live your life and how you can positively build your marriage.  Hopefully, we will choose to act in such a way that helps bring love, peace, and harmony into our marriages. 

I just wanted to publicly thank my classmates for helping review and edit my blogs posts.  Thanks Margaret, Cassie, and Staci!  Good luck to you all with the remainder of the semester!

Goddard H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York